Rita, 21
Addict is a powerful word.
It has taken me seven years to finally admit to myself that I had a problem and I only recently became real with myself to believe I am an addict. I always thought that an addict is some bum who couldn’t live his life without drugs and lived on the streets.
My life was unmanageable and I was powerless to drugs. I was dependent on drugs to fix me, to take me away from the mess my life was in. When I was little, before I was using I remember I told myself and people around me I was never going to do drugs or drink or have sex until I was married. I found myself doing everything I told myself I wasn’t going to do.
I took my first drink when I was 13 years old and I took my first drug when I was 15. And from that point the small snowball progressively got larger and larger. Until one day the snow ball got so big it exploded or fell apart. The whole time I was using I was a monster. I lied, cheated; stole and I abused the people who are most dear to me. In one year alone I started to do cocaine on a regular basis. I was arrested when I was 18 for drink driving. I failed courses in college and I was raped at a party. This all happened in just one year. Some of these things don’t happen to people in their lifetime. The only way I dealt with these incidents or consequences was to drink. I drank to forget, to deal with my emotions, to get away from the chaos I have created in my life. I was lost in a sea of lies I had told others and to myself.
I savoured desperately to fill the lonely pity inside of me with other means. I tried it over and over again expecting different results, not understanding why my life was still the way it was. I abused, and put myself through so much pain. I hated myself. I got to the point where I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror. Physically, mentally and spiritually I was a mess. I didn’t know where, or what to do next other than drink. I thought that the only thing I was good at was partying, that’s all I wanted to know.
When I reached my rock bottom it was unreal. One night I got so drunk I couldn’t remember half of the night. I was so out of it I put myself in harms way. I couldn’t defend myself from anything. I woke up the next morning with my underwear on inside out. My bra unsnapped in the back. There were bruises all over my arms and all over the insides of my legs. I had no idea anything had happened. I just know there was pain in between my legs. When I came to the realization that I was raped I new I had a problem. I let myself get so drunk that I couldn’t defend myself from harm.
I took a year off from college, and came to Aislinn. Aislinn is a wonderful place, if you want to do the work. If you want to believe, and feel again, Aislinn is the place to help you get there. I have brought hope, happiness and peace back into my life and I feel I am figuring a good cause. Hope is the main emotion that keeps me going day by day. Words can’t express how grateful I am to have wonderful people around me who care and I can care for them in return. Now I am filled with love and hope for others and myself in my life. I want this to continue and I know that the 12 steps will help me. My higher power will support me and I am never alone. My higher power is always there. I am grateful for life. To have a second chance and live a new life.